


Hang Your Head Without the Noose

by stardropdream



Series: Too Strong to Lose [2]
Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 10:15:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardropdream/pseuds/stardropdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Watanuki and Himawari discuss the situation over the phone</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hang Your Head Without the Noose

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to LJ August 25, 2011. 
> 
> Sequel to "We Dig Our Fingers in and Refuse to Let Go".

  
“You’re an idiot, Watanuki-kun,” she says when he answers the phone.  
  
There’s a surprise sound, and then a small, almost painful laugh. “That’s not very nice, Himawari-chan.”  
  
He can just see his expression. Small smile and crooked eyebrows slanted upwards. She closes her eyes, clenches tight to the receiver so her hands won’t shake.  
  
“It’s not the first time I’ve told you,” she whispers. “But I only say it when you deserve it.”  
  
He doesn’t answer, and he doesn’t apologize though the silence suggests that he wants to be sorry more than anything. But he can’t afford to regret and have remorse when he has his wish to fulfill. She does not begrudge him for wanting his wish granted, for being selfish. Everyone has their selfish moments. The reason it hurts so much like this is because she’s selfish, too, because she wants her wish granted, too.  
  
“I’m sorry that I left so suddenly the other day. On your birthday, too,” she says and she wishes she was stronger because already her throat is closing up and feels strained and the last thing she wants to do is cry in front of Watanuki—he gave her her life again, and she doesn’t want to waste it with this suffocating silence.  
  
“I understand,” he says, and this time he does say, “I’m sorry. I should have chosen a better time to talk to you about…”  
  
He trails off, but there’s no need. Himawari thinks it’d be better if he were to just say it. On the other hand, she’s glad he doesn’t—she doesn’t know if she can handle _you shouldn’t come here anymore_ a second time.  
  
He’s quiet. So is she.  
  
She breathes in and says, “I… I miss you already.”  
  
“I know. I miss you,” he says, and this time his voice is the one choking up and Himawari hates herself for being glad that he can still have that response to her, that he can still miss her as much as she misses him.  
  
She lets out a breathless laugh.  
  
“Himawari-chan,” he says after a moment, cautious. “I’ve been thinking… about what I said.”  
  
She hates herself for the spike of hope that pulses through her chest at that. “Yes?”  
  
“I think that… well. Yuuko-san let you come to the shop sometimes… when the day was right. I’m not as powerful as she was yet, but… but I think that, maybe sometimes—”  
  
“Yes?” she asks and this time there are tears in her eyes and she doesn’t care because she is a drowning woman who will cling to any life raft, even one as wobbly and uncertain as _sometimes_.  
  
“Maybe once a year,” he continues.  
  
“Your birthday?” she whispers, hopefully.  
  
“… That,” he begins, pauses, weighing it out. “Yes,” he says, and sounds happy. “Yes, I think that would be a good day. Is it alright?”  
  
Tears are streaming down her cheeks now and she manages to choke out a quiet, “Please.”  
  
“Himawari-chan…”  
  
“I have to go,” she chokes out, not wanting to cry in front of Watanuki—she is selfish, she is so selfish but she’s not so selfish as to give Watanuki more reason for sadness. He’s already too sad, already far too sad. “I have to—I. I’ll see you… next year, Watanuki-kun.”  
  
“Goodbye for now,” he says softly.  
  
She hangs up and lets herself cry freely. Tanpopo tugs on her earlobe and she smiles, wobbly, at him.  
  
“I’m so happy,” she whispers, her hand still lingering on the phone before she pulls herself away in search of a tissue. “I’m so happy, Tanpopo.”


End file.
